Life is an ever changing road full of choices

As my first semester of college comes to a close next week, I finally have a few minutes to myself to actually sit and reflect what this semester has done for me.

We finally have our own place.. its so nice. Its been quite the adjustment moving out on my own..or in with Chris. It's also been strange to only have 2 dogs. I can not even begin to tell you how nice it is to be able to take them out together..without worrying about the other 7 fighting or a fight breaking out when we return. I miss the other dogs..but I dont at the same time. It's also nice to wait for chris to get home everyday. and wake up together..and go to work at the same times.Its a great thing though, and probably the best decision we've made yet.

I totally killed my math class! I was enrolled in a dual math class, which meant earning two math credits in one semester. Math has always been my nemisis and I kinda worried about that one when i enrolled, but at the same time I was utterly determined to do my best and walk out of there with an A. I did just that. and 6 weeks early too. My math professor was great, also great at making fun of me for being a nerd..but heck..who cares? I got an A..for both credit.

English was much the same.. and my english professor professed..proudly..his love for Lady Gaga. I was totally going to write a poem like "Roses are red, violets are blue, lady gaga is awesome, and so are you!"..to tickle his poetry fancy..but, it turns out a littl imagination and creativity and hard work go a long way with this guy..which is fine by me. I got lots of all three. and I learned alot more.

I also chopped 7 inches of hair and put in highlights..all of which need redone and im thinking of chopping more off..its growing so quick. who knows?

Life is always changing here. But as Chris has shown me, some changes are good.
Others are great
and some,
are even better.

I am really excited for the rest of my academic career..even if i am tired and undecided on my major.
I am also excited for the other changes that time will bring.

Life's a ever changing road full of choices.. but so amazingly wonderful at the same time! It never fails to amaze me on how wonderful God really is for giving me what I have in my life. Family, Friends, and Love,..and so much more. I am truly blessed ..even with all of my past mistake...i mean learning experiences.

I wish I could go on but work and a paper are calling my name.

"She's a Strong One!"

I had new student orientation a couple of weeks ago, and while doing so, we were all asked to answer a simple question, "What is our reason for coming to school?". Most people didnt answer, others said money or to further their education. I didnt hesitate the moment he pointed at my raised hand, "To be independent, so I wont have to depend on someone else to take care of me, the way my Mother does." The man with the microphone stopped, stunned for a moment, before saying "WOW! Now thats the best reason right there! To be independent and not have to depend on someone else! Thats a girl that doesnt need a man right there!" I laughed then said "No! Hes the one pushing me to go!" :)


Makes me realize how damn lucky I am! To have a man who pushes me to be an independent person, just like I have wanted and that he believes I can do..and wants me to be able to take care of myself if anything happens to him ( GOD FORBID, but life is unpredictable).
I love you baby!
I may be strong, because ive had to be, but it helps to have someone strong standing beside me also.

Mothers Day!

Ordinarily, Mothers day for me gives me a reason to scorn the person who gave birth to me, after all, she gave me up, excommunicated, and disowned me, but 6 years after the fact, I can take the time and realize that my mom probably made a very smart and unselfish decision. She always said it was the hardest thing she had ever done, and i had always questioned this because if it was so hard to do what she did, then why do it? If you regret it so much, why keep up with no communication? Was I really that horrible of a kid that you couldnt keep in contact with me? Mothers day for me for the past 5 years has meant remembering someone who I look alike, remembering she gave me up. Whats so great about that?

But, as i sit thinking about it now, my Mom by giving me up, gave me the most precious gift of all. A chance for a normal life, one where i can follow my dreams, a life where i can experience all the things i had missed out on for 9 years. By sending me away, I was able to attend my own highschool graduation, I was able to have friends, find a job, and fall in love, experience heartache all over again, own a few dogs, and fall in love again. These things are things she knew i would never be able to have if I had been still there with her. Granted, i lost my mom and dad, but I gained back a family, a wonderful man that I am proud to say is mine, a man who pushes me to be independent and to better myself. I gained friends, along with experience with kids. I gained my grandmother, who thank God, is paitent, understanding, and who for 6 years now, has done MORE than her share of grandparenting duties, she took the place of my mom. How often do you get blessed with such a blessing as that? Not very often. THANK YOU GRANDMA, I LOVE YOU!

This year, instead of being angry at my mom, Im thankful. Thankful for her choices, because even if she cant have a normal life, She gave me the chance to experience it still, and while it has been a long crazy and wild ride, I have enjoyed every minute of being able to make my own choices and experience life the way everyone else does. So mom, thank you..and even though it hurts sometimes because we cant talk, do know that I love you and miss you always. I wish you could meet the boys and Im sorry you wont be around to enjoy your grandchildren when I have babies. Grandma will..lol. But still, as a child, I sometimes am still ashamed to say I need or want my mom around...but when the day comes when i do get married, or have your first grandchild, it really sucks to know YOU, my mother, wont be around, and that you made that choice. But again, Im thankful for the choice you made, because without it..I wouldnt have had all the experiences Ive had for the last 6 years..even some you tried to protect me from. But it was fun to learn from. I love you and miss you always...

The Words "I Love You"...

The words "I Love You" you hear them so often spoken. Perhaps you say I love you to your dogs, your cats, your horses? Perhaps you say them to close friends or family members?
Why is it those words, when spoken by the right person, can cause you to feel euphoric? You feel like floating away on a cloud. They give you fufillment. They give you a sense of security. They fill a void in your heart and your life.
Love is one of the most basic instincts of the human nature. So why is it, that sometimes we are afraid to show love to the ones we love the most? Why is it we are selfish in that way? Its something I dont understand, but yet I myself am guilty of doing it.
I never thought the words "I love you" could impact me in such ways ever again. I mean after all, I had closed off my heart to experiencing that dreaded emotion and had been quite successful at it for 2 years.
However, that afternoon in August, as I leaned up to attack his neck with a kiss as i moved to his ear, I felt him lean close into my body, and place his mouth next to my ear. Fully expecting to hear him say something totally stupid to ruin the moment, or have him lick my ear, i braced myself. He moves even closer and I hear a whisper "I love you". For a moment, i stopped breathing, my eyes had teared up, and I couldnt get words out. I leaned in close to him, kissed his neck and made sure i got close to his ear too. I managed to chokingly whisper "I love you too Chris." and suddenly lost all urge to kiss him and just laid my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Something I had done ever since we met. He wouldnt let go of me this time when his arms wrapped instinctively around me. Instead, he pulled me as close to him as i could possibly get without becoming apart of him.
Those words have rebuilt me.
But why is it I am still so scared of them? So scared, I know I dont say "I love you" as often as I should or as often as I'd like to (thankfully he knows I love him, by everything i do) and he is the same way, although I often question whether or not he loves me. LOL.
Those words fufilled me, they gave me security..they give that to me even now, even with our future in limbo.
I just wish they came out easier..

Im full of ramblings.

I cant ever forget the way you first looked at me. It took my breath away.
Now, I cant remember what looking into your eyes feels like. I havent seen them in so long.
I miss feeling like Im wanted.
Like I mean something.
Like Im actually important.

I know you're hurting. I know you're fustrated about not being able to take care of me, the way you believe I deserve to be taken care of..but love..I never asked you to take care of me. That can come later.
I know the hurt you feel, but I cant help you when you push me away. I know thats how you deal with things. I know you dont think I should put up with it. But, I told you I'd stand beside you, no matter what.
You warned me it was going to be hard for awhile. You warned me you were worse now than you've ever been.
I stayed. We've been in worse places. I've been in worse state of minds, and yet why is this harder than any of those times?
Why? Why does this seem so much harder?
is it because I love you more now than I did before? Because I actually care?
I dont know.

My emotions are frayed. Im beyond being disappointed and pissed at you when you say something and then dont do it.
It just hurts now.
It hurts more than i can describe.
I feel silly for saying that my feelings are hurt. It seems elementary. But its the truth.
You feel bad for what you do.. yet you do it again, and again.
Im sick of it. It will change.
Even Gary has told me what you're doing is wrong.
The way you're handling all of this is wrong.
I have some semi important news to tell you, and I dont feel like you care..so i havent told you.
But I need to.
I cant do this much longer. I cant keep guessing whats on your mind. I cant keep not knowing things. I cant not see you. I cant not talk to you. I cant not love you with all that i can love with..

Maybe its true, i cant live without you, and maybe two is better than one..
remember that.
You know I love you.
You say you Love me. How can you knowingly do this to someone you love?
You know if i was going to walk away...You wouldnt want me to go.
You also know I wont at the same time.

Im giving you time to yourself for the next few days. I love you, but i cant keep getting hurt or disappointed in you anymore, and keep a smiling face about it. I just cant.
its killing me not to get texts..but if you cared you would have text by now.
idk.
i pretty much just wrote this to ramble to myself..

09.26.2008 - 03.26.2010

One year and 6 months.
A year and a half.
Is it really possible that a year and a half ago, I was seriously struggling with my emotions.. trying to fight even the remote thought of liking you?
its hard to remember what life was even like before you.
Is it really possible that a year and a half ago, I didnt even want to spend a minute of my time with you?
Its hard to remember what that even feels like.
I remember the first time you approached me, I remember smiling to myself at your stupid pick up lines, thinking what a retard you were.
I then remember the breath being taken from me when I looked into your eyes.
How blue they are.. how gorgeous they are. How full of life they looked.
Then theres that issue of your smile. Just seeing you smile made me smile..which seeing us both smile made Justin smile.
I remember the first time you asked me for a hug, it was like a teenage boy trying to make a first move, without seeming obvious. Only you were completely obvious, and it was totally adorable.
Its hard to remember why I didnt want to be with you as soon as you held me that first night.
I know why, but that means nothing. If I had known that night, what I had found out 3 days after then.. our night would have been completely different.
I remember how you held me as i fell asleep that night, and how you laughed at me when I woke up.
I remember you taking pictures.
I remember making a fool out of myself, courtesy of too much captain morgan.
I remember you taking me home, then asking me to look at you. I refused. Stating that you were going to try to kiss me like they do in the movies.
I step out of the truck. You ask once more..saying you just want to look at me in case i decided to never speak to you again.
I look up, the way the light reflected off your eyes, you had to be the most handsomest guy I've ever seen.
I remember seeing you with Turk before we adopted him, it was that moment that changed the way i felt about you..thats why i tell you he is your saving grace!!
I remember watching you with him and your son over the next few weeks and months, and i couldnt help but feel myself melt.
Its hard to believe that all happend a year and a half ago.
Its hard to believe our baby has been apart of our lives that long.
Its hard to believe that You, JD, and I all having something missing in our lives, to having each other to depend on.
Its hard to believe how much I came to care about you, even after the rocky start.
Its hard to believe how much I've come to love you. Really and truly Love you. Theres nothing in this world i wouldnt do for you or JD or Turk.
Its hard to believe you care sometimes..but i know you do.
Its hard to believe you love me. But I know you do.

Whats even harder to believe is the many changes our relationship has gone through.
Its never been normal. It never will be..but its perfect in its own way.
I'll admit our relationship has been better, but you warned me before you ever came home, its going to be rough for awhile.. and I told you i didnt care, I wasnt going anywhere.
You make me happy.
You make me smile.
With you, every second feels like Christmas, even if its the middle of July. Even if you're being grouchy :)
You are a amazing man, despite what you think. You are so confident and sure of yourself. It inspires me to be stronger than i am sometimes.
You are a pillar of strength for me, without even knowing it.
I love you..so very much.

Its hard to believe this whole thing started a year and a half ago..
but thank you so much for not giving up, even when i tried to turn you down! :)
I dont regret for a second taking the time to give you a second chance
I dont regret getting to know you
I dont regret learning to fall in love all over again.
I dont regret making you fall either :)
I dont regret loving you. or our family.
and if given the chance, to go back to a year and a half ago, and start those few weeks before our first "date" all over again,
I would do it.
and relive it all over again.
I dont regret any of those moments from that night..or those weeks
because it all lead up to the moment, 11 months later, when you leaned into my ear, and whispered "I love you", taking me completely by surprise, and completely taking my breath away.

I love you.
Thank you for a very interesting, amazing, year and a half.