Pregnancy

So my last post was way over a year ago.. like a year and a half ago, but I want to change that! I did find out I was pregnant on Feb. 2, 2012, at like 5am, after trying to hold my pee in all flipping night (which is soooo hard to accomplish when you ARE pregnant..early stages, and late stages!). I was about 5 days late and a period short of a period that I have never missed before since I was 11, so I peed on a stick, and barely had time to cap the thing and put it on the counter for the "3 minute wait" before the two lines showed up. I almost fell off the toilet, stared at the dang thing, cried, said "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit" for probably 5 minutes, before shaking all over, crying, and staring at the counter where the two blue lines lay, staring at me. My whole life was about to change, in 9 months, I would be a mom. I didn't really know what else to do, so I wrapped the test, threw it away, and returned to bed, shaking and crying. I noticed that my fiance' was still sleeping and had his back to me, so I decided to snuggle up next to him and wrap my arms around him. He stirred in his sleep as I whispered "I love you"..not thinking he would hear me. He mumbled what I think was "I love you too". I then kissed his neck and said "you're going to be a dad again". He then says "NO I'M NOT!" and snorts and goes back to sleep. Or tried to. lol. "According to the test I just took, it says you are!" He was asleep. He knew I was late. He was hoping, excitedly that I was pregnant. This was a battle we had had a few times over the 3.5 years we had been together. He wanted a baby, I wanted my wedding ring first. He wanted a baby first. I refused to budge. We finally reached a compromise in December. He had to choose my wedding ring and set a date, and I would set up an appointment for family planning with Dr. Mckinnie. However, it would be an appointment to find out what she thought (ie. were we healthy, what would I need to do to plan for getting pregnant after our wedding, what did I need to do in the mean time, and etc., these were important questions because I had endometriosis and had been on birth control for about 5 years to control it). We set a wedding date for October 11, 2012. He picked out a ring (which we ended up with a completely different set after we picked out that one! lol). I made an appointment with both my primary care doctor, and my gynecologist. I had a successful meeting with my primary doctor, who said I was completely healthy and told me that when I stopped birth control, It would be crazy cycles for the first few months, and then I should monitor myself for a few months so I could track fertile periods, ovulation, and etc, so then Chris and I could begin to plan and chart things out. This was ok. I met with Dr. McKinnie the following month after that for my annual visit. She said all was good, that I probably wouldn't have a period for about 3 months after stopping the pills, and then it would probably be a year before we conceived..which I thought was GREAT! Perfect planning, I'd only have like 1 semester left of school by the time the baby arrived at that point, and surely I could manage that. I was pregnant 3 days later. A positive test when I missed my period (negative when I was 2 days late, positive 5 days late and when my cycle would have ended). I continued to work and go to school throughout my pregnancy. I had horrible morning sickness and often had to run to the bathroom to get sick, but then went right back to work/class. I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted. My boobs were sore, and went from A cup nothings, to D cup va va vrooms! I still managed to qualify for honors and deans list.. how? I'll never know! We also moved up our wedding date from October 11 (which was 5 days passed my due date) to June 2, 2012. I was forced into taking a medical leave at work for refusing to push 80lbs of ice and water across a parking lot, even though this task was "assigned" to me three weeks AFTER I informed my boss of my pregnancy (to which she didn't say congrats, but instead informed me that I was not doing the "right" thing, and my coworker (who was due six weeks after me, but was married) and her granddaughter who were married were doing the right thing.). I also informed her during the second trimester, which I was in, that I could not push, lift, or carry more than 20lbs, as per doctor recommendations. She then told me that if I refused to push 80lbs of ice and water (which the first day she assigned it to me, I was so pissed, I did it but then had to call my OB because I had really bad cramps afterwords) OR MAKE 5 YEAR OLD KIDS PUSH IT, then I "couldn't perform my job duties" and needed to "take a leave of absence or resign". Mind you I watched kids for a living, she had assigned this task to me, AFTER I informed her I couldn't..and there were 2 other capable employees who could push it. However, she said it was "punishment for being on my phone". It wasn't even me on my phone, other than a doctor callback, and about a month prior, my husband had passed out on the side of the road and he had to be sent to the doctor and SHE KNEW about it, she even called me to check on him as well..Both times, she was aware of the fact that my phone was needed and was ok with it. My coworker was on a personal call to her aunt,to complain about her husband, gush over her kids, and her hair, and how her husband needs this and that. I didn't want to rat her out though (and since my boss doesn't supervise us, she wouldn't know anyway).So, luckily, I had enough common sense to go and ask for a copy of my employee file, and saw I had over 200+ hours of sick time and 70+ hours of annual time. I told her I will take the leave of absence, but I would only use my sick pay of 207 hours, and NOT to use my annual time and that I would be off for seven weeks, paid, and would be back on xx date. She was flabbergasted. She called me that afternoon and requested me to write a letter stating I would like to take a medical leave and bring it in. Not being a dummy, I wrote a letter that started out with "After being given the decision to take a leave of absence or resign.." and made sure to include "I wish to only use my 207 hours of sick time I have accumulated for this leave" and that "this leave is NOT medically necessary" to make sure that I covered my rear end. I also had the letter notarized and made copies. I brought this to her the next morning and I swear she about fell on the floor! She got mad, then said "how are you planning to work 7 weeks from now if you will be more pregnant then, than you are now? I don't see how", and took it to our head boss, Mr. C. About 2 hours later, she called me on the phone and said she was willing to work with me and make sure that I was ok for work saying she would work with me if I wanted to return to work that afternoon, especially when I reminded her she was the one who said I couldn't..she decided to proceed to tell me "well, you are like a single parent and everything and you need to work"... EXCUSE ME.. WHAT.THE.FUCK?! I wanted to come through the phone and smash her glasses right into her face. I WAS NOT SINGLE. CHRIS IS NOT GONE. I then informed her I was getting married in 2 weeks, and that does not make me a SINGLE PARENT. Oh, I was mad. Really mad. However, my "really mad" was NOTHING compared to Chris' anger when I told him. I did return to work without incident seven weeks later. And worked up til a week before I was due, Im glad I resigned then because my feet were so swollen by that time, I couldn't feel my toes. June 2nd, 2012 is probably one of the proudest days of my life. I became Mrs. Chris Hargrave.. Ok ok. I became Mrs. Brianne Hargrave. Never have I been so proud to call myself that. July came and we decided on the name Layla Rose. Chris had come home singing "Layla" one evening, and said "that's what we are going to name our baby!" Over my dead body.. He then tried to also pick out her middle name! I was the one waddling, uncomfortable, gassy, heartburny, and constantly hot, hungry, and tired as I made and grew this baby and he wanted to pick out her whole name? OH HELL NO. He did pick out JD's full name, and so I figured I deserved to pick out my daughters name (as our agreement went boy-his choice, girl=my choice). So we bought a baby name book and poured over names. Nothing struck Chris more than Layla. I hated it. It reminded me of pig nosed kids and a stripper. I told him so. Finally I told him that fine, he could name her Layla, but only if her middle name was Rose. If he couldn't agree to that, then he better choose another name. He said "Oh no" to the middle name of Rose, but when given that ultimatum, he agreed. I was ridiculously proud of myself for that one. See, my love affair with the name "Rose" began when I was a young girl. I wanted the middle name of Rose..because I didn't have a middle name. When I talked to my mom in September to tell her about her impending "grandma"hood she laughed and said "how did I know the middle name would be Rose? You always loved that name!" lol. In September, Layla gave us a royal scare. As Dr. Mckinnie was doing a routine heartbeat check, she heard layla's heart skipping beats, and sent me for an emergency ultrasound, and back up to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor, Doctor Hume the following day. Dr. Hume was anxious to tease me about "Mildred" , which is what he called Layla because Chris and I were deadlocked in a name debate at our earlier appointments. I told him we had finally settled on Layla Rose, and he was still intent on calling her "mildred" =)) ewwh. Either way, he found nothing to be wrong with her heart and said the arrithmyia was apart of Layla getting ready for her birth, trying to match her own heartbeats to my body's heartbeat. Odd..but we were relieved she was ok. Dr. Mckinnie swore she would be here before my due date, as I was already 50%effaced at 34 weeks. October 7th came and went, and no baby, no contractions, no Braxton hicks, NOTHING. I was sitting at 1cm dialated and 70% effaced at my October 4th appointment and had been that way for 2 weeks now. At my October 10th appointment, they did a fluid check ultrasound, and I was 2cm dialated and 80% effaced. We scheduled induction for Sunday October 14th, since Dr. Mckinnie was on call that day. Little did I know, I wouldn't need induced.

The change is here!!

February 2nd, 2012,
I was 5 days late and a period short. I decided to test.



Yep a baby! :)

JFK

For Arguement and Persuasion class on tuesday, we had to read president Kennedy's inaugral address. The rhetorical devices in the speech made it an amazing piece to read. The part that struck me the most was in the first paragraph

"We..celebrate freedom, symbolizing an end, as well as a beginning-signifying renewal as well as change" -J.F. Kennedy

In a time of my life where it is looking like things will be changing pretty quickly..(and yes, Chris and I are fine! These are good changes! )I found it to be a pretty amazing quote.
We started this year by me finally getting the new, better camera I've been dreaming about for forever it feels like! the Canon Rebel T3.

I am completely and utterly lost trying to figure it out (not to mention school and work drama havent afforded me time either)
I just recieved my 50mm/1.8 f lens today and shot some pictures with that..pretty exciting..until i realized just how badly Kasey needs groomed. LOL!
Either way, I am in love with this camera. It is amazing.
I also have a pro flickr account now, so hopefully I can improve and post better pictures.

Tomorrow is make it or break it day! :) hopefully I will have something to post then, since i totally forgot to upload the new pics of Turk and Kasey =))

Life is an ever changing road full of choices

As my first semester of college comes to a close next week, I finally have a few minutes to myself to actually sit and reflect what this semester has done for me.

We finally have our own place.. its so nice. Its been quite the adjustment moving out on my own..or in with Chris. It's also been strange to only have 2 dogs. I can not even begin to tell you how nice it is to be able to take them out together..without worrying about the other 7 fighting or a fight breaking out when we return. I miss the other dogs..but I dont at the same time. It's also nice to wait for chris to get home everyday. and wake up together..and go to work at the same times.Its a great thing though, and probably the best decision we've made yet.

I totally killed my math class! I was enrolled in a dual math class, which meant earning two math credits in one semester. Math has always been my nemisis and I kinda worried about that one when i enrolled, but at the same time I was utterly determined to do my best and walk out of there with an A. I did just that. and 6 weeks early too. My math professor was great, also great at making fun of me for being a nerd..but heck..who cares? I got an A..for both credit.

English was much the same.. and my english professor professed..proudly..his love for Lady Gaga. I was totally going to write a poem like "Roses are red, violets are blue, lady gaga is awesome, and so are you!"..to tickle his poetry fancy..but, it turns out a littl imagination and creativity and hard work go a long way with this guy..which is fine by me. I got lots of all three. and I learned alot more.

I also chopped 7 inches of hair and put in highlights..all of which need redone and im thinking of chopping more off..its growing so quick. who knows?

Life is always changing here. But as Chris has shown me, some changes are good.
Others are great
and some,
are even better.

I am really excited for the rest of my academic career..even if i am tired and undecided on my major.
I am also excited for the other changes that time will bring.

Life's a ever changing road full of choices.. but so amazingly wonderful at the same time! It never fails to amaze me on how wonderful God really is for giving me what I have in my life. Family, Friends, and Love,..and so much more. I am truly blessed ..even with all of my past mistake...i mean learning experiences.

I wish I could go on but work and a paper are calling my name.

"She's a Strong One!"

I had new student orientation a couple of weeks ago, and while doing so, we were all asked to answer a simple question, "What is our reason for coming to school?". Most people didnt answer, others said money or to further their education. I didnt hesitate the moment he pointed at my raised hand, "To be independent, so I wont have to depend on someone else to take care of me, the way my Mother does." The man with the microphone stopped, stunned for a moment, before saying "WOW! Now thats the best reason right there! To be independent and not have to depend on someone else! Thats a girl that doesnt need a man right there!" I laughed then said "No! Hes the one pushing me to go!" :)


Makes me realize how damn lucky I am! To have a man who pushes me to be an independent person, just like I have wanted and that he believes I can do..and wants me to be able to take care of myself if anything happens to him ( GOD FORBID, but life is unpredictable).
I love you baby!
I may be strong, because ive had to be, but it helps to have someone strong standing beside me also.

Mothers Day!

Ordinarily, Mothers day for me gives me a reason to scorn the person who gave birth to me, after all, she gave me up, excommunicated, and disowned me, but 6 years after the fact, I can take the time and realize that my mom probably made a very smart and unselfish decision. She always said it was the hardest thing she had ever done, and i had always questioned this because if it was so hard to do what she did, then why do it? If you regret it so much, why keep up with no communication? Was I really that horrible of a kid that you couldnt keep in contact with me? Mothers day for me for the past 5 years has meant remembering someone who I look alike, remembering she gave me up. Whats so great about that?

But, as i sit thinking about it now, my Mom by giving me up, gave me the most precious gift of all. A chance for a normal life, one where i can follow my dreams, a life where i can experience all the things i had missed out on for 9 years. By sending me away, I was able to attend my own highschool graduation, I was able to have friends, find a job, and fall in love, experience heartache all over again, own a few dogs, and fall in love again. These things are things she knew i would never be able to have if I had been still there with her. Granted, i lost my mom and dad, but I gained back a family, a wonderful man that I am proud to say is mine, a man who pushes me to be independent and to better myself. I gained friends, along with experience with kids. I gained my grandmother, who thank God, is paitent, understanding, and who for 6 years now, has done MORE than her share of grandparenting duties, she took the place of my mom. How often do you get blessed with such a blessing as that? Not very often. THANK YOU GRANDMA, I LOVE YOU!

This year, instead of being angry at my mom, Im thankful. Thankful for her choices, because even if she cant have a normal life, She gave me the chance to experience it still, and while it has been a long crazy and wild ride, I have enjoyed every minute of being able to make my own choices and experience life the way everyone else does. So mom, thank you..and even though it hurts sometimes because we cant talk, do know that I love you and miss you always. I wish you could meet the boys and Im sorry you wont be around to enjoy your grandchildren when I have babies. Grandma will..lol. But still, as a child, I sometimes am still ashamed to say I need or want my mom around...but when the day comes when i do get married, or have your first grandchild, it really sucks to know YOU, my mother, wont be around, and that you made that choice. But again, Im thankful for the choice you made, because without it..I wouldnt have had all the experiences Ive had for the last 6 years..even some you tried to protect me from. But it was fun to learn from. I love you and miss you always...

The Words "I Love You"...

The words "I Love You" you hear them so often spoken. Perhaps you say I love you to your dogs, your cats, your horses? Perhaps you say them to close friends or family members?
Why is it those words, when spoken by the right person, can cause you to feel euphoric? You feel like floating away on a cloud. They give you fufillment. They give you a sense of security. They fill a void in your heart and your life.
Love is one of the most basic instincts of the human nature. So why is it, that sometimes we are afraid to show love to the ones we love the most? Why is it we are selfish in that way? Its something I dont understand, but yet I myself am guilty of doing it.
I never thought the words "I love you" could impact me in such ways ever again. I mean after all, I had closed off my heart to experiencing that dreaded emotion and had been quite successful at it for 2 years.
However, that afternoon in August, as I leaned up to attack his neck with a kiss as i moved to his ear, I felt him lean close into my body, and place his mouth next to my ear. Fully expecting to hear him say something totally stupid to ruin the moment, or have him lick my ear, i braced myself. He moves even closer and I hear a whisper "I love you". For a moment, i stopped breathing, my eyes had teared up, and I couldnt get words out. I leaned in close to him, kissed his neck and made sure i got close to his ear too. I managed to chokingly whisper "I love you too Chris." and suddenly lost all urge to kiss him and just laid my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Something I had done ever since we met. He wouldnt let go of me this time when his arms wrapped instinctively around me. Instead, he pulled me as close to him as i could possibly get without becoming apart of him.
Those words have rebuilt me.
But why is it I am still so scared of them? So scared, I know I dont say "I love you" as often as I should or as often as I'd like to (thankfully he knows I love him, by everything i do) and he is the same way, although I often question whether or not he loves me. LOL.
Those words fufilled me, they gave me security..they give that to me even now, even with our future in limbo.
I just wish they came out easier..