Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day!

Ordinarily, Mothers day for me gives me a reason to scorn the person who gave birth to me, after all, she gave me up, excommunicated, and disowned me, but 6 years after the fact, I can take the time and realize that my mom probably made a very smart and unselfish decision. She always said it was the hardest thing she had ever done, and i had always questioned this because if it was so hard to do what she did, then why do it? If you regret it so much, why keep up with no communication? Was I really that horrible of a kid that you couldnt keep in contact with me? Mothers day for me for the past 5 years has meant remembering someone who I look alike, remembering she gave me up. Whats so great about that?

But, as i sit thinking about it now, my Mom by giving me up, gave me the most precious gift of all. A chance for a normal life, one where i can follow my dreams, a life where i can experience all the things i had missed out on for 9 years. By sending me away, I was able to attend my own highschool graduation, I was able to have friends, find a job, and fall in love, experience heartache all over again, own a few dogs, and fall in love again. These things are things she knew i would never be able to have if I had been still there with her. Granted, i lost my mom and dad, but I gained back a family, a wonderful man that I am proud to say is mine, a man who pushes me to be independent and to better myself. I gained friends, along with experience with kids. I gained my grandmother, who thank God, is paitent, understanding, and who for 6 years now, has done MORE than her share of grandparenting duties, she took the place of my mom. How often do you get blessed with such a blessing as that? Not very often. THANK YOU GRANDMA, I LOVE YOU!

This year, instead of being angry at my mom, Im thankful. Thankful for her choices, because even if she cant have a normal life, She gave me the chance to experience it still, and while it has been a long crazy and wild ride, I have enjoyed every minute of being able to make my own choices and experience life the way everyone else does. So mom, thank you..and even though it hurts sometimes because we cant talk, do know that I love you and miss you always. I wish you could meet the boys and Im sorry you wont be around to enjoy your grandchildren when I have babies. Grandma will..lol. But still, as a child, I sometimes am still ashamed to say I need or want my mom around...but when the day comes when i do get married, or have your first grandchild, it really sucks to know YOU, my mother, wont be around, and that you made that choice. But again, Im thankful for the choice you made, because without it..I wouldnt have had all the experiences Ive had for the last 6 years..even some you tried to protect me from. But it was fun to learn from. I love you and miss you always...