I cant ever forget the way you first looked at me. It took my breath away.
Now, I cant remember what looking into your eyes feels like. I havent seen them in so long.
I miss feeling like Im wanted.
Like I mean something.
Like Im actually important.
I know you're hurting. I know you're fustrated about not being able to take care of me, the way you believe I deserve to be taken care of..but love..I never asked you to take care of me. That can come later.
I know the hurt you feel, but I cant help you when you push me away. I know thats how you deal with things. I know you dont think I should put up with it. But, I told you I'd stand beside you, no matter what.
You warned me it was going to be hard for awhile. You warned me you were worse now than you've ever been.
I stayed. We've been in worse places. I've been in worse state of minds, and yet why is this harder than any of those times?
Why? Why does this seem so much harder?
is it because I love you more now than I did before? Because I actually care?
I dont know.
My emotions are frayed. Im beyond being disappointed and pissed at you when you say something and then dont do it.
It just hurts now.
It hurts more than i can describe.
I feel silly for saying that my feelings are hurt. It seems elementary. But its the truth.
You feel bad for what you do.. yet you do it again, and again.
Im sick of it. It will change.
Even Gary has told me what you're doing is wrong.
The way you're handling all of this is wrong.
I have some semi important news to tell you, and I dont feel like you care..so i havent told you.
But I need to.
I cant do this much longer. I cant keep guessing whats on your mind. I cant keep not knowing things. I cant not see you. I cant not talk to you. I cant not love you with all that i can love with..
Maybe its true, i cant live without you, and maybe two is better than one..
remember that.
You know I love you.
You say you Love me. How can you knowingly do this to someone you love?
You know if i was going to walk away...You wouldnt want me to go.
You also know I wont at the same time.
Im giving you time to yourself for the next few days. I love you, but i cant keep getting hurt or disappointed in you anymore, and keep a smiling face about it. I just cant.
its killing me not to get texts..but if you cared you would have text by now.
idk.
i pretty much just wrote this to ramble to myself..
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
09.26.2008 - 03.26.2010
One year and 6 months.
A year and a half.
Is it really possible that a year and a half ago, I was seriously struggling with my emotions.. trying to fight even the remote thought of liking you?
its hard to remember what life was even like before you.
Is it really possible that a year and a half ago, I didnt even want to spend a minute of my time with you?
Its hard to remember what that even feels like.
I remember the first time you approached me, I remember smiling to myself at your stupid pick up lines, thinking what a retard you were.
I then remember the breath being taken from me when I looked into your eyes.
How blue they are.. how gorgeous they are. How full of life they looked.
Then theres that issue of your smile. Just seeing you smile made me smile..which seeing us both smile made Justin smile.
I remember the first time you asked me for a hug, it was like a teenage boy trying to make a first move, without seeming obvious. Only you were completely obvious, and it was totally adorable.
Its hard to remember why I didnt want to be with you as soon as you held me that first night.
I know why, but that means nothing. If I had known that night, what I had found out 3 days after then.. our night would have been completely different.
I remember how you held me as i fell asleep that night, and how you laughed at me when I woke up.
I remember you taking pictures.
I remember making a fool out of myself, courtesy of too much captain morgan.
I remember you taking me home, then asking me to look at you. I refused. Stating that you were going to try to kiss me like they do in the movies.
I step out of the truck. You ask once more..saying you just want to look at me in case i decided to never speak to you again.
I look up, the way the light reflected off your eyes, you had to be the most handsomest guy I've ever seen.
I remember seeing you with Turk before we adopted him, it was that moment that changed the way i felt about you..thats why i tell you he is your saving grace!!
I remember watching you with him and your son over the next few weeks and months, and i couldnt help but feel myself melt.
Its hard to believe that all happend a year and a half ago.
Its hard to believe our baby has been apart of our lives that long.
Its hard to believe that You, JD, and I all having something missing in our lives, to having each other to depend on.
Its hard to believe how much I came to care about you, even after the rocky start.
Its hard to believe how much I've come to love you. Really and truly Love you. Theres nothing in this world i wouldnt do for you or JD or Turk.
Its hard to believe you care sometimes..but i know you do.
Its hard to believe you love me. But I know you do.
Whats even harder to believe is the many changes our relationship has gone through.
Its never been normal. It never will be..but its perfect in its own way.
I'll admit our relationship has been better, but you warned me before you ever came home, its going to be rough for awhile.. and I told you i didnt care, I wasnt going anywhere.
You make me happy.
You make me smile.
With you, every second feels like Christmas, even if its the middle of July. Even if you're being grouchy :)
You are a amazing man, despite what you think. You are so confident and sure of yourself. It inspires me to be stronger than i am sometimes.
You are a pillar of strength for me, without even knowing it.
I love you..so very much.
Its hard to believe this whole thing started a year and a half ago..
but thank you so much for not giving up, even when i tried to turn you down! :)
I dont regret for a second taking the time to give you a second chance
I dont regret getting to know you
I dont regret learning to fall in love all over again.
I dont regret making you fall either :)
I dont regret loving you. or our family.
and if given the chance, to go back to a year and a half ago, and start those few weeks before our first "date" all over again,
I would do it.
and relive it all over again.
I dont regret any of those moments from that night..or those weeks
because it all lead up to the moment, 11 months later, when you leaned into my ear, and whispered "I love you", taking me completely by surprise, and completely taking my breath away.
I love you.
Thank you for a very interesting, amazing, year and a half.
A year and a half.
Is it really possible that a year and a half ago, I was seriously struggling with my emotions.. trying to fight even the remote thought of liking you?
its hard to remember what life was even like before you.
Is it really possible that a year and a half ago, I didnt even want to spend a minute of my time with you?
Its hard to remember what that even feels like.
I remember the first time you approached me, I remember smiling to myself at your stupid pick up lines, thinking what a retard you were.
I then remember the breath being taken from me when I looked into your eyes.
How blue they are.. how gorgeous they are. How full of life they looked.
Then theres that issue of your smile. Just seeing you smile made me smile..which seeing us both smile made Justin smile.
I remember the first time you asked me for a hug, it was like a teenage boy trying to make a first move, without seeming obvious. Only you were completely obvious, and it was totally adorable.
Its hard to remember why I didnt want to be with you as soon as you held me that first night.
I know why, but that means nothing. If I had known that night, what I had found out 3 days after then.. our night would have been completely different.
I remember how you held me as i fell asleep that night, and how you laughed at me when I woke up.
I remember you taking pictures.
I remember making a fool out of myself, courtesy of too much captain morgan.
I remember you taking me home, then asking me to look at you. I refused. Stating that you were going to try to kiss me like they do in the movies.
I step out of the truck. You ask once more..saying you just want to look at me in case i decided to never speak to you again.
I look up, the way the light reflected off your eyes, you had to be the most handsomest guy I've ever seen.
I remember seeing you with Turk before we adopted him, it was that moment that changed the way i felt about you..thats why i tell you he is your saving grace!!
I remember watching you with him and your son over the next few weeks and months, and i couldnt help but feel myself melt.
Its hard to believe that all happend a year and a half ago.
Its hard to believe our baby has been apart of our lives that long.
Its hard to believe that You, JD, and I all having something missing in our lives, to having each other to depend on.
Its hard to believe how much I came to care about you, even after the rocky start.
Its hard to believe how much I've come to love you. Really and truly Love you. Theres nothing in this world i wouldnt do for you or JD or Turk.
Its hard to believe you care sometimes..but i know you do.
Its hard to believe you love me. But I know you do.
Whats even harder to believe is the many changes our relationship has gone through.
Its never been normal. It never will be..but its perfect in its own way.
I'll admit our relationship has been better, but you warned me before you ever came home, its going to be rough for awhile.. and I told you i didnt care, I wasnt going anywhere.
You make me happy.
You make me smile.
With you, every second feels like Christmas, even if its the middle of July. Even if you're being grouchy :)
You are a amazing man, despite what you think. You are so confident and sure of yourself. It inspires me to be stronger than i am sometimes.
You are a pillar of strength for me, without even knowing it.
I love you..so very much.
Its hard to believe this whole thing started a year and a half ago..
but thank you so much for not giving up, even when i tried to turn you down! :)
I dont regret for a second taking the time to give you a second chance
I dont regret getting to know you
I dont regret learning to fall in love all over again.
I dont regret making you fall either :)
I dont regret loving you. or our family.
and if given the chance, to go back to a year and a half ago, and start those few weeks before our first "date" all over again,
I would do it.
and relive it all over again.
I dont regret any of those moments from that night..or those weeks
because it all lead up to the moment, 11 months later, when you leaned into my ear, and whispered "I love you", taking me completely by surprise, and completely taking my breath away.
I love you.
Thank you for a very interesting, amazing, year and a half.
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